Monday, December 29, 2008


I am a freeman once again

Out from the cell

That I so intentionally made

Enclosed myself wholeheartedly

With the thought that all I need is him

Sacrificed my own happiness

For the sake of pleasing him

I rejected a number of possible acquaintances

Took for granted all my indecent proposals

Lived each day being faithful to him

Evaded from any person or event

That could tempt me to unfaithfulness

Informed him almost every single detail

Of my whereabouts and the things that I do

Expected so much that by my sacrifice

My consistency with my actions

And the coherence of my words to my acts

He’ll see how much I value him

Expected even more that by my faithfulness

He will learn to see me in a new perspective

And hopefully learn to love me

The way I want to be loved

The way that I so undeniably deserve.

But now I am starting to see the light

That evasive spark of enlightenment

Which has long been hiding from my sight.

I am sick and tired of taking the pains

That I, alone inflict on myself

I don’t want another night and day

Of watching my face soaked with tears

I don’t want to feel that drowning feeling

Every time I get so anxious by what he’ll say or do

I know I must not blame him for what I feel now

On the first place he didn’t ask me to do what I did

It was my entire fault

I did everything under my freewill

All for the sake of showing how much I love him

And now I want to cry over spilled milk

But what for?

It’s of no use already

I had cried and had been so pathetic for him

Hoping that his heart will soften up a bit

And realize that I am not that difficult to love at all

But again, my acts were just like writings on a pond

At first, it can be noticed

But at a blink of an eye

It’s forgotten---it’s gone in the scene

As if nothing happened.

Then, the cycle continues.

But now, it will finally meet its ending.

I’ve learned a concrete lesson on this matter

That writings should be made

On the right material

Taking into consideration the external factors

That could make or break what I will write.

I am a freeman once again.

My heart is now relieved by the thorns of his bitterness

My mind is now unchained from the shadow of my expectations

But still, it isn’t synonymous to saying that I have moved on

Because at this moment, no matter how hard I try

To totally get rid of him in my life

No matter how much I evade from this loving feeling

I still cannot escape from the blow of reality

Thoughts of him will continue to haunt me

The more I push such thinking away

The more it will stay on my consciousness

Whether I like or not

I must live by the moment

And face what it has to offer

Among the forces that drive the world

It is but love that serves as the strongest

That’s why despite all my efforts to hate him

I cannot really deny the fact----

That my love for him still grows by the tick of time.

All I can do now is to erase my expectations

But to detach myself from him

And to ignore the fact that I am still waiting for his love

Is just tantamount to fooling myself of my words

Because I know from deep within

I am just free from my own prison cell

But the world at large that I am living now

Still includes him, if not totally a world of his own.®

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