Confessions of a LOVE ADDICT

***I wrote this poem just today, January 29, 2009. I started to write this at around 3:45 in the morning but I had fallen asleep. So, I continued writing it when I woke up at around 2:30 in the afternoon...hehehe...

**This is somewhat a sequel of my poem, "SIGNS from HEAVEN."


A new day has not come, yet
My pains still run at my system
My eyes which are normally vibrant
Full of life and spark
Seem to just drown
From bitter tears of a broken dream
Of a broken tomorrow
With the man that I love.

How I don’t want
To continue on writing my heart out
The pain is just so unbearable
The longer I expose myself from it,
The more I feel its presence killing me.
But, I just can’t help
And write what I want him to know
What I want the world to remember
That for some time,
I’ve found the man of my dreams
Experienced being with him
Had a taste of his kiss, his tongue…
His everything…
Then, wham!
Suddenly, he was gone.

I am still in shock this time
I am still skeptical about what happened
How could he leave me this soon?
How unconscionable he is by that
I want to curse him
That he may feel what he did to me
But, since I’m still under his spell
I just can’t do such thing
As the cliché goes,
I would be much willing
To endure his pain
Just so he can’t feel the agony of it.

I love him
But what can I do
He’s not just into me already
I just seem to be
Invisible from his sight
To be so insignificant
To be simply nonexistent
I somehow wish
Even just to be one of his possessions
So he can always notice me
Even without any effort at all.

Just yesterday
I’ve been to the place
Where we’ve met
And no matter how I try
To expose myself from the stimuli of my pain
No matter how I try to be used to it
I can say my pains are still fresh this time
That exposing myself to something…
To some place, sound, act or anything
That reminds me of him
The wound just gets deeper
The pains become more intolerable.

It would be better to avoid those things
But, they’re just around me
Almost everything that surrounds me
Reminds me of him
That’s why
Never a second since the...

...time he left
That he wasn’t a part of my thought
For each second that I breathe
Each tick of the clock
Every thump of my brain
And pound of my heart.
At every angle of my ear,
Voices just seem to whisper his name
At every gaze of my eyes
All I see are images of him
Oh how preoccupied I am with his memories
Every move that I make,
I just can feel the blow of the wind
Carrying the kisses he once gave me
I just can smell the scent of his hair..
His sweat and his body
Playing at the corners of my nose
Oh how I wish I could get over him
Like the way he forgot about me
So swiftly…So instantly.

Every time I remember his face
There comes a sudden stab of knife
In my heart, then all over my body
As if I am being massacred
Just by thinking about him.
Then, I begin to bleed horrendously
There comes the halo on my vision
Then, I start to see things revolving so fast
That it makes me sick
It makes me want to vomit
The poison that is brought about by him
All I want this time is to get rid of everything
That is in touch with him
How I want to forget the time that I’ve known him
The time he sent me a message at friendster
The time we decided to be couples
The time he visited me here at my place
The time he sang songs that sent tingles on my spine

How I am dying to just remove him in my life
But, I know it ain’t that easy this time
The more I try to consciously forget him
The more he’ll cover up my mind and heart
So before, I finally get insane
Before I ever think of ending my life
Let me just allow him to preoccupy my life
I would just surrender myself to him
Because I know that’s the way to go
I have been through this a lot of times before
And I can attest to its effectiveness
In time,
I’ll be tired of thinking about him
I’ll be tired of feeling the pain
I’ll be tired of crying.
Simply, in time
I’ll get over him totally.
And, he’ll just be a bitter
Or should I say
The bitterest part of my past.

But, then again
I want to thank him
For he made me in touch
With what seems to be
Just a fantasy of my past
He made me believe
That knight in the shining armor
Do exist in the modern times
That there’s still Prince Charming
That miracle does happen
Fairy tales do exist
And Mr. Dreamboy
Is just around the corner.

He will be a living testimony for me
That it is indeed possible
To be cared, caressed, longed for
And loved by someone that we love.

It was so evasive for me before
Then, he came
And swept me off my feet
Sad to say,
He lifted me up
But, later on
Pushed me away
Till I kissed the ground
With my body soaked in tears
Bathing in the bloody exhibition
Brought by my traumatized totality.

I love him
I really do.
But, with the pains that he caused me
I believe it wouldn’t be long enough
That I’ll be over him, as well.
My fingers are crossed.
Let’s just hope for the best.

But, one thing for sure
If he’ll come back to me
I will never hesitate
To embrace him
To enclose him in my love
And to forever supply him
With bottomless love
From the deepest part of me.

I love him…
Though it is a self-inflicted torture.
I love him…
Though he doesn’t even care
I love him…
Though he left me hanging in the air.

He’s my dream…
My future…
My life…
Simply, my everything..
But the question is:
Am I his? ®